Daniel Fast Series Pt. 1: Fickleness

We remember the fish which we ate freely in Egypt, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic; but now our whole being is dried up; there is nothing at all except this manna before our eyes!- Numbers 11:5-6

So I recently completed the Daniel Fast for what I think might be the second time. The first time I did it was two years ago and it was with the expectation of getting certain prayers answered. And while I did have a couple of things I was expectant for this time around, I also took the time to ask the Lord if there was anything else in me that was not of Him that I wasn’t already privy to. I was fully aware that I had a lust issue prior to starting the fast so I had already made the decision to give all my boo-lovin books a break and lay off the rom-coms. I also knew that allowing myself to be in situations that grieved my spirit in an attempt to not rock the boat was something He was calling me out of, so I was trying to get mentally and spiritually prepared for that. But chile, I was NOT expecting Him to tell me what He did. One thing about the Lord, when you come to Him genuinely seeking change in your heart and ask Him to expose something about yourself, He WILL do it. And He did it so fast too! It was like He couldn’t wait to unload the clip on me.

Not even a full twenty-fours later did He tell me straight up tell me that I’m fickle and have this “on to the next” mentality when I’m bored or when things aren’t playing out as fast as I’d like.  At first, I didn’t fully understand it. I mean, what could possibly be wrong with that? I prided myself on not being one to have my time wasted and devoting my energy to anyone or anything that was draining mine. I also didn’t think it was a flaw that I get over things quickly because I usually have another distraction already lined up. However, the gag is that sometimes things aren’t always that bad, I’m just impatient. If things aren’t being manifested within the timeframe that I created, I’m ready to toss it. When in reality, everything is according to His timing, not mine. 

There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.-Proverbs 19:21

Not only does this prove to be an issue with overall contentment, but it’s an issue of inconsistency as well when it comes to my heart posture. And if I’m to ever get some of the blessings that I’ve been asking for, I need to get those under wraps. Not to mention, most of the time the things we want instead are things that we’ve already been delivered from.

He showed me this with two examples.

The first one had to do with my career. I’d say that for the most part, I’m pretty happy with where I’m at career-wise. I’m not doing the work I thought I would when I decided to embark on receiving multiple degrees, but alas, I haven’t had any issues. I work remotely and can say that I have never really had a stressful day of work in the last two and a half years. Everyone I work with is pretty chill and I end each day without being burned out. I’ve thanked the Lord many times for the opportunity He gave me with this job because my work-life balance has been ideal. This is basically what I didn’t know I needed. My work is just that, work. My life isn’t centered around what I do for a living and I get to use my free time to do whatever truly makes me happy. All that aside, my days can be pretty monotonous. Nothing exciting ever happens and there really isn’t any room to have fun or be creative. So when all of a sudden I started noticing close friends leaving their jobs to seek something better for themselves, I started wondering if I should be doing the same. And again, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I was already doing, but seeing other people in my age group constantly moving up or moving from one company to another made me question if I needed a little bit more spice in my life.

And how foolish is that? How often do we go from thanking the Lord for a blessing that He’s given us to trying to run off to the next sparkly thing when we get bored? I went from years of dreading going to work and having no time to myself to being able to work poolside. It’s insanity. But this was just a little taste of what was to come. Because the second way He revealed this to me was a complete drag and through me all the way off.

It’s no secret that one of my biggest desires is marriage and my own family at some point. While it’s no longer the driving force of my obedience, it is still something I pray about often. I randomly felt it in my spirit one day to take a pause on prayers regarding my future spouse and directed them more towards myself and asking the Lord to show me any flaws I have that would make me a bad wife. And chile, why did I do that???

Again, He brought up that I was fickle. As someone who was used to being gassed up for reasons that I’m not even proud of at the moment, it can be hard to adjust to the fact that a true man of God isn’t going to have time to be up under me all the time. In fact, I specifically asked for someone who loves the Lord more than he loves me. And not for play-play either. Like I want their love for the Lord to be seeping through their veins. (I know that sounds dramatic but I asked God to change my heart regarding men and give me eyes to see and that’s what He gave me chile). Not only do my extremely high standards severely limit my options, it tests my patience to the highest degree. When things seem stagnant in that area, I start to feel like maybe my desires are too much and I’m holding myself back. I mean, I’ve gotten more attention from the men dem that don’t even care! Truly I tell you, my phone was never dry when I belonged to the world. It gives very much:

“Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.”-Exodus 14:12

The issue is that you can’t have that mindset in marriage. Especially knowing that I truly want someone who is fully devoted to the Lord in all that he does, I have to expect that he’s not going to have time to gas me 24/7 and that’s not an excuse to start wondering if I should be with someone else instead. I can’t pray for a specific type of person and then get bored when I’m presented with exactly that. I had honestly thought I was completely over that stage since that didn’t happen in my last relationship, but clearly, the Lord saw that it would reappear in the future and I needed to check myself before it got to that point again. 

Fickleness may not seem like that big of an issue, especially when most of it is in your thoughts. However, we as believers know that whatever we meditate on will eventually make its way into our lives and we have to guard our hearts and be careful about what we entertain. If the ultimate goal is to be like Christ, that means we have to practice patience and move according to His will. So if that means choosing to be satisfied with whatever stage I’m in and whatever He’s given me over focusing on what I don’t have, then that’s what it has to be. And when you think about it, that way of thinking is the exact opposite of the Lord’s character. He is constantly in pursuit of us, even when we pay Him dust. Yet when faced with any minor inconvenience, we are quick to switch up. It’s a constant cycle of searching for something that will make us feel good at all times instead of appreciating how far He's already taken us.