Heart Check

So this is my first official new post in about three years. To be honest, I’m happy I took that time off because the amount of spiritual growth I had between then and now is crazy. When I step back and examine my heart posture back then, it was somewhere else. Now don’t get me wrong, my desire to seek the Lord and do better was always genuine. However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect some type of reward for my hard work. I thought it was going to be all fun and was mostly concerned about my happiness along the way. For example, the drive behind my initial celibacy journey was to get a permanent boo thang. Yes, yes, it was about obedience too. But I wanted immediate gratification for my sacrifice. It took Megan Good** less than a year and at twenty-five years old I told myself “tick-tock” and I needed to get this show on the road. Then about a year later, I got into my first Christian relationship. It lasted for close to a year and a half. I didn’t give the man something he could feel à la En Vogue and guess what-I still didn’t get any husband out of it. So where was my heart in this? What was this all really for?

In fact, I think I cared more about getting married than expanding His kingdom. And while I know most won’t admit it, they are exactly the same. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself these questions:

·      How many times when hanging out with other believers does the topic of dating and marriage come up?

·      How much of the conversation is solely dedicated to talking about dating and marriage?

The answers are probably all the time and most of the time. And I’m not saying these things aren’t important. Choosing your spouse is one of the most important decisions you’ll make if it’s God’s will for you to get married. But it’s not the most important. 

I seriously want to start some type of Bible study where the topic of dating and marriage is banned. There are much bigger fish to fry! It’s been a long journey but over time I’ve realized relationships are the least interesting thing to talk about in the grand scheme of things. This is real life! I need sisters and brothers in Christ who can pray over me so I ain’t gotta see my sleep paralysis demon tap dancing at the side of my bed again! There are Christians who don’t even realize how real the spiritual realm is and we sitting here debating about if getting coffee is a proper date?

All that to say I’ll probably be holding off on the dating stuff for a while. It’s taken too much of my mental and spiritual space. My update is that I don’t have one. Like most of us, I had a minor setback but the Lord doesn’t keep count of my wrongs so I’m choosing to live in peace and act like it didn’t happen. Other than that, I’ve been closed for business for almost four years at this point. As for my relationship status, it’s giving very much Paul right now.

Now that I’ve gotten that out the way, let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Back to my original question: what is this all really for?

I knew that I’d have to die to myself to truly walk with Jesus when I started. Did I know exactly what that entailed? No, but that wasn’t the hardest pill I’ve had to swallow. The hardest pill I’ve had to swallow is that it’s not about me or getting what I want. God can give us as many blessings as He wishes and He loves to see us happy, but it’s ultimately for His glory, not ours. We tend to come to the Lord with a laundry list of requests and promise to seek Him and follow his commandments in return. The whole time completely disregarding the reason we are here. 

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

2 Corinthians 5:20

I got a serious reality check beginning last fall. I was in a season of isolation and the depression that I thought I fully overcame years ago started coming back. I was having panic attacks on a daily basis and could barely get out of bed. I tried hard to cling to the Lord in those moments, but I just couldn’t. I had to call my friends to pray over me on the phone because I was so upset with the Lord for taking His sweet time with His promises, I didn’t want to talk to Him myself. And then to make matters worse, during the worst possible time (according to me), I was being told to pray for a bunch of people and their situations. 

Excuse me? I can barely go five minutes without crying and You want me to fight in the spirit on someone else’s behalf? For why? 

All of a sudden I was being woken up at 4 am every night and being told to pray for someone and a specific crisis they were having. I mean, I get it. Praying for others is part of the job. We’re supposed to be edifying each other and prioritizing The Good News over our own lives. But at 4 am? Why couldn’t it have been early afternoon? The Lord had me losing beauty sleep when He knew my life was in shambles! I would literally beg and ask Him to tell someone else to do it because encouraging other people felt like an inconvenience to me and He would hit me with an “oh well.”

Not to mention the countless times I’ve seen others “surpass” me in different ways. Whether that be in relationships, finances, etc. I had to really stop and ask myself if things in my life stayed the way they were right now in this moment, would I still follow Him? That means no husband, no kids, same salary, same living conditions…

Would I continue to pray and speak life over others even when life isn’t going my way? Is my heart really for the Lord, or is it for the things I want from Him?

I was in a season of serious spiritual attacks and was starting to wonder what I had signed up for. Life was so much more simple and in a way, welcoming, before the Lord done removed the scales from my eyes. After so much fasting, praying, and meditating on the Word, the Lord showed me that I needed to get out of my feelings. Jesus lived His entire life on Earth knowing how brutally it would end. He never once complained about the things of this world that He didn’t have. When offered the entire world, He declined because He knew it was better to have nothing of this world and have the Father than to have everything we ever wanted. Not to mention, He had real haters, not like the ones we think we have. And here I go, angry because of a little loneliness and some bad dreams. 

All this to say, I feel like I’m finally content and realizing what this all means. This is far greater than just my life and my desires. My heart is at a place where if I didn’t get anything else, I’d still serve Him.

(Lord, please don’t get ideas now…)

The Kingdom of the Lord supersedes all and sometimes we have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. We have to keep our hearts in check.